Perfectionism is a lame excuse for procrastination.

Photo by RhondaK Native Florida Folk Artist on Unsplash

I often hear people say, “Someday I’m going to write my novel. Someday I’m going to travel to Europe. Someday I’m going to (fill in the blank).”

Someday never comes. They get busy being busy. They put off their dreams for another day, which becomes another year,  which becomes…never.

One of the biggest reasons people don’t take action on their dreams is because they are waiting for the perfect time, to have the perfect amount of money or to be perfect themselves.

Imagine a baby waiting to walk until they can do it perfectly, that’s like waiting to write a book until you’re writing is perfect. Ha!

Perfectionism is lame.

You gotta start somewhere.

But yet,  for many of people if it can’t be perfect or they don’t know how they will accomplish the whole enchilada, they won’t even bother starting. That’s sad.

They also think they can do everything on their own. Guess what? They can’t.

You know how many movies were made by one person? Well, I don’t know exactly, but I can tell you most movies are made by an endless number of people. Just watch the credits next time you’re in the movie theater.

When we want to make a significant change or take on an important project it’s important to take these five important steps.

1. Get a mentor. Find someone who has done what you want to do or who knows how to coach you through the process. This could be a life coach or a teacher.

2. Take baby steps. Plot out the steps you need to take. You can’t do everything at once.

3. Create a Timeline. You need a game plan and you need to create a realistic timeline in which you will take the steps, whether it be to write the pages of your novel, or build your new business.

4. Get support. Find a group of supportive people, a community who is doing something similar. Don’t go it alone.

And you may have noticed that there’s no step 5. Wanna know why? Because you don’t need to be perfect and 4 is plenty of steps.

Take off Your Cape and Focus on Your Own Life

On the road to living an authentic life in hot pursuit of our dreams, we need to stay focused on our lives. When we start doing for others what they need to do for themselves we’re no longer focused on doing for ourselves what no one else can do for us.

Setting boundaries is critical if we want to create our own fulfilling lives.

If we waste energy enabling others, rescuing others, when they need to rescue themselves, we’ve taken our focus of our own well-being and our own dreams.

It’s just like if you’re bowling and you take your ball and use your turn to help the other person in the lane next to yours knock down their pins. If you do, you’re no longer focusing on what’s happening in the game. You’re not playing in your own lane.

Many of us have been taught to put the needs of others before our own.

In fact, this is the expectation for women in many cultures. We may have been taught this by witnessing the selflessness of a parent or having grown up with religious teaching that admonished us not to be “selfish,” instead advocating selflessness, even martyrdom.

Setting limits and boundaries is about focusing on what we need to do to care for ourselves and not doing for others what they can and should be doing for themselves.

It’s not that we don’t help others, but we don’t engage in helping that hurts us. That’s the definition of codependency.

In her book Codependent No More, recovery expert Melody Beattie writes,:

“We rescue people from their responsibilities. We take care of people’s responsibilities for them. Later we get mad at them for what we’ve done. Then we feel used and sorry for ourselves. That is the pattern, the triangle.”

How do we keep our eyes on our own lane and not get caught up in the drama of the lives of others?

We set limits.

Limits let others and us know what we can handle and what we can’t. It’s what allows us and others to know what is enough and what’s too much!

Setting limits and boundaries is an essential part of living your authentic life. It is an essential element of self-care.

When we set limits at work or with friends and family members, we keep ourselves from becoming overloaded, overscheduled, overcommitted, and thus, overwhelmed. This is important for our physical and mental health and emotional stability.

If we’re spinning too many plates in the air, it’s just a matter of time before they all come crashing down.

This month make it your goal to set limits and boundaries in the important areas of your life.

If you find that people aren’t respecting your limits and boundaries make time to explore this with them. If people are repeatedly trampling on your boundaries it may be time to rethink those relationships.

Baby, I’m Worth It!

Much of what I do as a therapist and life coach is help people find their voice and  connect with their self-love and authenticity.

But often before we can connect with our essential nature we need to clear bramble.

What do I mean by bramble?

The layers of self-doubt, feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, the habit of comparing ourselves to others and finding ourselves coming up short, lacking in some important aspect or quality. That my friend is the bramble of our minds!

We need to rid ourselves of the negative habits of mind and mouth.

We need to put an end to self-attack thoughts, repetitive, self-deprecating and disparaging self-talk, repeated apologies for our very existence.

No more dwelling on the negative. Enough of  finding fault with ourselves, which creates a low vibrational reality.

We need to Marie Kondo our minds.

We need to tidy our minds and leave only that which “sparks joy” as she would say. Thoughts, self-talk, outside talk that sparks joy, sparks confidence, and self-love.

We can thank those old negative thought and speech patterns for whatever purpose they served and then clear them out of our mental space, keeping only the good stuff.  And when we find those old thought forms and self-loathing beginning to fill our mental space again, we can sweep them out the door!

What are the positive things you want to affirm for yourself?

What are some loving things you can say to yourself?

What can you acknowledge about yourself?

Keep at it!

If you find yourself listening to negative music turn it off.

Make a positive, self-empowerment play list. A playlist that buoys you up.

Believe me, Baby, you’re worth it!

Need a little boost?

Get a copy of It’s Never Too Late to Be Your Self and learn more about how to take back your life.

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January 2019 Upcoming Events

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Finding Freedom LGBTQ Symposium at The Riviera Palm Springs

Saturday January 26th 10:30 AM-12:00 PM

Workshop-The Psychological Cost of Not Coming Out to Your Kids: How Hiding Contributes to Addictive and Dysfunctional Behavior.

CEU credits for Psychologists, LCSWs, MFTs and more.

Finding Freedom:LGBTQ Symposium

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Follow Your Inner Compass and Take Back Your Life Workshop

Sunday January 27th 12:30-2:30 PM

$35 includes a signed copy of It’s Never Too Late to Be Your Self.

Palm Springs Center for Spiritual Living, Palm Springs, CA

Click here for more info:

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Past Life Group Regression at the Salt Studio Pasadena, CA

Thursday January 31,  7:00 PM

Ever wondered who you were in a previous lifetime?
Do you have memories from previous lifetimes or reoccurring dreams?
Met people you feel like you’ve known before?
Come experience as past life regression!

The Salt Studio 1380 Walnut St. Pasadena, CA

RSVP online or call  (626) 765-6180

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“Don’t just rearrange the deck chairs on the Titanic of your life, make lasting changes that matter!”

Out of the Box Podcast Episode #121 

It’s Never Too Late to Be Your Self

Comedian Rosie Tran (@FunnyRosie) Interviews author and clinical psychologist, Davina Kotulski (@drkotulski) about her new book “It’s Never Too Late to Be Yourself.” Davina talks about the importance of being your authentic self. By using our inner voice as a compass, we can live a life full of freedom, love, and authenticity!

Listen to Out Of the Box Podcast Now

It’s a Boy!

It’s a boy!!! Two of them!

This weekend, my girlfriend, Diana, and her two boys (7 and 13), moved in with me.

I’m officially a full-time, part-time co-parent.

The first morning after the boys moved in, the little one told me the toilet was “too small.”

Curious to know what he was talking about, I followed him into the bathroom. He explained that he was going #3 and pee shot out between the seat and the bowl.

“What’s number 3?” you might ask, as I did.

Number 3 is when someone of the male persuasion is seated and goes number 1 and number 2 at the same time. It adds up to 3.

I helped the little guy clean up and saw how small the bowl was compared to the one at his mother’s former house. The bowl there was long and narrow. Who knew? Seriously!

We brainstormed some potential solutions and moved on.

I haven’t lived with a guy since my brother, with the brief exception of Vince who lived in the basement of a house I rented with friends in Portland, I know this will be an interesting turn of events in my life.

I’m excited!

And I was delighted the other night to have one sweet little boy wrapped in a blanket on the floor and the other wrapped in a blanket on the loveseat while my girlfriend and I sipped tea on the sofa, Shrek playing on the TV. It was a fine Saturday night.

This turn of events is just a reminder that it’s never too late to create a life that inspires you. It’s never too late to do something new. Be something new.

That’s why I’m offering my once a year 50% off 3 Sessions Coaching Package so you can get a headstart on your 2019 vision! See the details below.

As the old saying goes, if you can dream it you can be it. Though maybe those are actually lyrics from a song in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. “Don’t dream it. Be it!”

Wishing you peace and joy wherever you are and whatever phase of life you’re in. Remember you are loved. If you forget, reach out first and you’ll be reminded.

Sending you an abundance of love this holiday season.

Click here for the special.

3 Session Coaching Package for $299.  Reg. $600

Ends January 1st.

Limit one per person.