by Sharon Irven

“Travel is like love: it cracks you open, and so pushes you over all the walls and low horizons that habits and defensiveness set up.” Pico Iyer

The answer to whether you should seduce your muse in Venice (or any other far away location) depends on why you would want to leave home and your cozy writing space in the first place. Are you feeling stuck in your work, forgotten why you launched such an ambitious writing project, in need of some new stimulation or just plain wanting to get away? For me, having the distinction of living in the second coldest capital city in the world, I felt that I had endured too many days of jaw dropping cold weather last January when I heard about Davina’s workshop.

Christmas was over and coincidentally, so was my marriage. I had spent the previous month talking to lawyers and other creatures from the dark side, so I desperately needed a change. Most of my friends had already escaped for warmer climes: Florida, Texas, even Goa, where can I go? It was too late to get reservations for a cheap trip to Cuba (half of Canada must already be there); a Caribbean escape felt way too decadent. Besides, I’m not much of a beach bunny, preferring to learn something new on holidays, and I don’t mean new places to shop. Now that I have more time on my hands, I wanted to get back to my writing.

I rounded up the usual suspects on-line, consulting trusted web sites and blogs for escape ideas. I knew about a writer’s retreat in Chile that is popular with Canadians (our winter is their summer, so handy) but the facilitator was a poet. Although I love poets and poetry, I don’t see myself writing it. In another blog, I found an intriguing reference to a ‘seduce your muse’ writers’ workshop. Following the links, the stunning pictures of Venice on Davina’s website seduced me, instantly. I had always thought of Venice as a tourist trap (it had not ranked high on my bucket list) but it did look gorgeous in those pictures. Besides, I had heard that Venice was sinking so it felt like I should experience it before it goes. And the price was right. The timing fit too – being in March allowed enough time to get my passport renewed.

I forwarded the url to three fellow scribes and there was a lot of interest; only Jacqueline could see her way clear to attend with me. OMG, cue the rockets; we are going to Venice! We did not realize then how useful this sojourn would be to support our writing aspirations.

Before we immersed ourselves into attracting our muses, we spent a day wandering about Venice acquainting ourselves with all its considerable charms.

We happily got lost amidst the narrow streets (some ending abruptly at canals with unprotected entrances: heads up!), we browsed in shops selling everything imaginable (shoes, gloves and handbags especially caught my eye) and noticed, on every street corner, a gelato shop. They are as popular as Tim Horton’s are back home in Ottawa.

The next day we checked into the comfortable apartment where our workshop was taking place. Did I mention spacious? It had a fully equipped kitchen, handy for making breakfasts (one of the participants created three lovely gourmet meals for us here), a living and dining room where most workshop sessions took place, two sparkling ceramic bathrooms and sleeping quarters for up to 5 people. A tiny balcony off the kitchen opened onto a canal: one day we watched a ‘near miss’ between two gondoliers heading in opposite directions around a tight corner. Thank goodness for skillful maneuvering! Compared to the cramped hotel rooms that one usually encounters in Europe, it felt like we were staying in the Taj Mahal. Jacqueline joked that one almost had time to eat lunch moving from the bedrooms to the living room.

As a way to launch the workshop, Davina guided us through the city on a full moon walk. Clearly she knows and loves this city: we loved seeing the full moon hovering over the centuries old buildings and shining on the canals. What a wonderful introduction to this magical kingdom. It was also an opportunity to invoke the spirits of other creative geniuses associated with Venice: Ezra Pound is buried at nearby San Michele Island; Browning wrote ‘O to be in England’ while living at the palatial Ca Rezzonico that overlooks the Grand Canal; Antonio Vivaldi was born and composed his fabulous music here, just to name a few. We invited our artistic muses to visit us here in this mystical city of shimmering canals and car-free streets.

So what did we do to nurture our writing muses during the seven days of the workshop? We shared our dreams as writers, responded to creative prompts, either from Davina’s imagination or from the majestic surroundings, we practiced writing different forms (I’m still not a poet) and, under Davina’s gentle prodding, set new writing intentions for ourselves. After we got home, Jacqueline successfully applied for (and secured) a spot in the coveted Banff Creative Writing Studio. She attributes her Venice experience for giving her the resolve to do so. I decided to break out a partially completed novel that was in hiding amongst the dust bunnies.

Davina had designed a workshop schedule that allowed for an agreeable mix of personal and group time. In between writing sessions, we toured the city, either as a group or alone, exploring all the traditional sights, like San Marco Basilica, the splendid museums and galleries, jewelers’ and artists studios. We went for two relaxing gondola rides, a bit like canoeing, only someone else is doing all the work (sometimes they sing too). We dined al fresco in the sunny campo; one evening we attended a classical music concert by candlelight at a lovely renaissance church filled with art. We had an amazing holiday.

There were tears when we said our good-byes at the vaporetto stop, en route to the train station. We were sad to see our group go our separate ways to Canada, California and Amsterdam. Hope we meet again, preferably near a canal and under Davina’s inspiring leadership.

To attend Seduce Your Muse or to learn more go to http://www.seduceyourmuse.com

How many LGBT widows and widowers will face homelessness because they are denied the federal benefits associated with marriage? Every day the DOMA law goes unchallenged LGBT seniors and LGBT widows and widowers face injustices and unnecessary cruelties. We must repeal DOMA. We must not allow laws to exist that keep American citizens from having full access to equality. DOMA continues to deny same-sex couples 1,138 federal rights.

This election year we must seriously consider where we will put our resources and who we will vote for. Will we support a candidate that has already repealed an unfair ban against LGBT people serving in the military or a candidate, like Newt Gingrich, who has had multiple opportunities to exercise his freedom to marry, yet does not feel that his own sister should have that right? Nor would he feel that Glenn Schmoll and Lowell Houser deserved that right even though if they had had full marriage rights Glenn would not been in the unfortunate position of petitioning the Masons, where Lowell was a Brother, for financial assistance typically afforded other spouses of brothers.

In my over ten years as a marriage equality advocate, it breaks my heart to continue to receive stories from LGBT people who have to beg unions, politicians, judges, and other organizations to recognize them as the spouses they are or have been. LGBT people should not have to beg for equality.

Please contact me if you would like to help Glenn Schmoll.  

She wrote “My wife and I, along with a few other couples wanted to get some advice. My wife and I went to Iowa and got married in September of 2010. I have 3 children from a previous marriage to a man. My divorce decree states that I cannot have anyone stay the night in the home who I am romantically involved with unless we are married. Because we live in Arkansas and Arkansas does not recognize our marriage, my wife cannot stay the night in our home when the kids are home. For a long time we rented 2 places, but because of financial reasons (we have been in the middle of a custody case over the kids for a year and a half. We have spent $20,000 so far) can no longer do that. She now spends the night with my parents or grandparents on the nights when the kids are home. At this point, we are in the middle of the appeal process for custody of my kids and I am a little scared about making it too public.”

Imagine what it would be like to be legally married and yet have to ask your spouse to leave the home because your marriage isn’t recognized in the state you live in, thus making it a crime. It made me think of the 2003 Lawrence V. Texas Decision and how these custody cases are just another way to criminalize same-sex relationships.

And if her situation wasn’t heart-wrenching enough, she shared some experiences of others couples she knew that were also hoping I had some advice for them. She said, “I know that one of the other couples were living together and she was taken to court by her ex husband over it (in this case an unmarried female partner staying in the house when the kids were visiting) and the judge ordered her girlfriend out of the home. They now rent the house across the street from the one they are buying, so when the kids are home at night, she goes across the street to sleep. Another one of the couples lost the kids to the ex husband because of their relationship and the fact they were living together. The ex husband moved the kids to Texas. They are now in the middle of a custody case trying to get the kids back. They are engaged, but not married yet.”

I racked my brain for advice for these couples. I asked her if they could approach one of the big LGBT legal groups, but she said that they didn’t have anything substantial they could do to help.

This is a seemingly impossible situation, yet I know that even the strongest wall can be dismantled one brick at a time. I know to “win this case” a change of heart and consciousness is needed. That means first letting people know this situation exists, that there are real people out there who are suffering because of antiquated notions of family and the allowance of discrimination to exist. So I ask you to begin sharing these women’s stories with the people you know. To change a situation we must first shine light on it.

Secondly, if you are someone who prays or believes in the power of thought, please send positive thoughts and prayers for these couples, please send positive thoughts and prayers for the judges to open their hearts, and  please send positive thoughts and prayers that the people of Arkansas will recognize these couples’ marriages as fulfilling the custody requirements.

Another thing you can do is to raise your voice to repeal the Denial of Marriage Act (DOMA 1996) which keeps same-sex couples’ marriages from being legally recognized in states that have banned same-sex marriage. It is one thing not to allow same-sex couples the right to marry in their state, (which of course I believe is government-sanctioned discrimination), but quite another to deny legally married couples the rights of marriage in their home state.

There are many things you can do to begin working to dismantle DOMA. I have a whole list of things in my book Love Warriors, including a sample letter you can send to all of your senators and congressional leaders.

We must also speak out for the injustices against others on their behalf. I feel very grateful that I can speak out for others. When I asked her if she’d be willing to talk to the media about her situation, this woman wrote, “I do not want to risk anything while I am trying to get my kids back.” She agreed that once the custody battle was over she would be more comfortable being an open advocate. I understand her fear.

So, I invite us all to speak out on behalf of those who are silenced because of the threat of losing their children. Please let people know about this injustice, please send your positive thoughts and prayers out for these families, and please get involved and help repeal DOMA through letter writing, or the many other ways I outline in Love Warriors, and through your own creative efforts to occupy equality and an open heart and create a world that works for everyone.

So, it is nothing short of awesome that this week the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network filed a lawsuit in federal court to secure spousal benefits for legally married gay and lesbian troops. According to the Gay Politics Report, “the suit takes aim at the Defense of Marriage Act, which prevents the Pentagon and other federal agencies from offering the same benefits that are available to married heterosexual service members to families of openly gay troops.”

If you are curious about these rights, you can read more about them in my book Love Warriors or Why You Should Give A Damn About Gay Marriage. They include things like the right to be buried with your spouse in a veterans’ cemetery, the right to shop at the commissary, health benefits, student and housing loans, and pension benefits.

Aubrey Sarvis, Executive Director of SLDN, who has worked tirelessly for many years advocating the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, says that these men and women are “rendering the same military service, making the same sacrifices and taking the same risks to keep our nation secure at home and abroad.” So it is “plain and simple. It’s about justice for gay and lesbian service members and their families.”

Let’s recognize Veterans’ Day this year by speaking out for full and equal employment benefits for our LGBT servicemembers. 

The day where we all get to declare who we are and who we love. Sometimes coming out is more than just revealing our sexual orientation. Sometimes we need to come out about other aspects of who we are that others may not agree with. But as Rev. Deborah Johnson, Author of Sacred Yes and Your Deepest Intent, told me in a recent interview I did with her, she learned early on from a PFLAG mom that if we share our truth and people turn away from us, then they never really loved us in the first place.

My friend, Pastor Marcos Apolonio, experienced a devastating loss in his own life when he came out to his church community. In fact, he thought he had lost it all. At the time he was a married man with children living in Brazil and leading a congregation of 3,000 7th Day Adventists. He had been living a closeted life and finally the closet door could no longer hold his authentic self in. Marcos has had a powerful "hero's journey" in the words of Joseph Campbell.

After coming out, Marcos chose to leave Brazil and immigrated to the U.S. where he applied for asylum twice before being granted it. He has built his new life out in the open with his same-sex partner, Obed. Marcos has since graduated with a Master’s degree in Social Work and leads Kinship, an international ministry of former and practicing 7th Day Adventists who are LGBTIQ and straight allies. He will be featured in an upcoming movie called 7th Day Gay Adventist.

In recognition of National Coming Out Day, and to acknowledge all of us who struggle to live our truth out loud and be our authentic selves, I'm doing two FREE tele-seminars Coming Out.

Please join me on Thursday October 6, 2011 at 7:00 PM PST/ 9:00 PM CST/ 10:00 PM EST for an interview with 7th Day Adventist Kinship Pastor Marcos Apolonio as he shares his story, strength, and hope with others in this unique interview.

What would you do?

What would you do if you’re entire hometown found out you’d been keeping a secret?

January 9, 2010 was a surreal day for Isaac Namdar, a Jewish surgeon living and working in New York City. That afternoon he received an e-mail from his nephew telling him not to come to synagogue that weekend and to stay away from the Sephardic Jewish Community he’d grown up in.

“Everyone knows uncle,” his nephew wrote.

Isaac panicked. Someone had discovered his on-line wedding album with pictures of him and his husband, Andrew. Okay so a handful of people had found out that he was gay. He would manage somehow.

But he was stunned to find out that over 5000 people viewed his online wedding photos and someone had hacked into his Facebook page and other assumed “private” digital files. The dam had broken. He was being swept up into a current of homophobia that included  being excommunicated by his rabbi the following weekend.

Isaac had never brought his husband, Andrew, home to the insular spiritual and cultural community he had grown up in. Different than his peers, Isaac chose an occupation that would take him away from the community. As a physician, he was able to relocate to the big city where he struggled for years with his sexual orientation. When he met and fell in-love with Andrew he stopped struggling. The two legally married in Connecticut in 2009. Isaac expected that he would continue to keep his community and his marriage separate, but on that fateful day the two collided.

Isaac and Andrew glimpsed an opportunity for education and seized it. They opened their wedding website up for dialogue. What ensued was two weeks of unbridled posts about homosexuality, Judaism, and God. It was an online town hall where people could hide under various profile names and share their true feelings and engage in a dialogue.

Some of the posts were thoughtful and supportive.

“Congratulations to you both and BRAVO for following your path. Kudos for choosing to embrace the way G-d created you. May you have a blessed and happy future as a family.”

“Mazel tov to Andrew and Isaac. What a gorgeous couple! I genuinely hope that you two don’t mind that your site has become a platform for a serious discussion about the value system in our community, of which I have grown to become a staunch critic.”

Some were predictable for a conservative religious community.

“We are an orthodox Jewish community which does not allow 2 men 2 get married. I’m sorry if that offends anyone. It isn’t close (sic) mindedness, it is who we are. It would be the same if someone married a non-Jew.”

“Homosexuality is not in line with Judaism, but neither is shaming a fellow man.”

Others were just plain stupid.

“Suck cock Jewish Father and everyone else who aggrees with the Gay ways.”

“Is he so gay that he couldn’t get it up for a woman even if he tried to?”

(Um, isn’t that sort of the meaning of gay for gay men?)

After a couple of weeks Isaac chose to shut it down and to turn these posts and his experience into a book. You can order his book In This Day and Age?!: A Community at the Crossroadso f Religion and Homosexuality through your local bookseller or online.

Presently Isaac is speaking out at temples and spiritual conferences about his

eexperience. Issac hopes that his story will foster more understanding and respect between religious leaders and their LGBT congregants.

I’m sitting at Café Gratitude, it’s a new age vegetarian restaurant in Berkeley. I’m drinking water from a bottle that says “breathe” and I’m reminding myself to do that and to drink more water. All the food at Café Gratitude is ordered via positive affirmation. I’ve ordered the “I’m grounded” and “I’m vibrant” which translates to a side of garlic roasted potatoes and sautéed greens with pumpkin seeds.

Being grounded and vibrant right now is really important to me. Usually, I order the “I am transformed” and drink from the “transcendental” water bottle. But so much has happened in my life in the last two months that now I just need to “breathe” and get “grounded.” You may have no idea what I’m talking about or you may have seen the CBS news, read about it in the Huffington Post, or saw some Facebook posts and so you know what’s coming next or maybe you don’t.

END OF THE WORLD MAY 21^st

American Christian Radio Host, Harold Camping, predicted that the world would end May 21^st, 2011. Camping, considered a zealot by many, hails from Oakland, California where I live. His message was heard world-wide. While the world did not come to an end May 21st, for many people, me included, our physical realities changed drastically on or around May 21st.

He predicted tornadoes, earthquakes, hurricanes, and floods. In some places these weather patterns and signs of Armageddon did show up and continue. For others, like myself, the hurricanes were more personal revelations of truth that blew through our hearts and homes leaving our lives personally changed and in need of picking up the pieces. Life as we know it will never be the same.

Perhaps you or someone you know around May 21^st were one of the people who ended a marriage (Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger), shared about some shocking child abuse that had been hidden for years (boxer Tyson I believe), left a job, attempted suicide, had some life changing experience or spoke out the truth in some other way. Again it may not have been the end of the world, but for an inordinate number of people, the time around May 21^st brought forth radical transformation. For me, it was the decision to leave my 15 year marriage to Molly.

Divorce is a hurricane in anyone’s life, but when you’ve been half of the public face of the same-sex marriage movement, a decision like this has monumental consequences or additional hurricanes on many other people’s lives. I feel like I’ve been ground zero. Even, my father is struggling for certainty and sharing his own feelings of loss and structure from my marriage ending and empathizing about how it must have felt for my brother and I when he left my mother when we were kids.

MARRIAGE IS AN INSTITUTION

Marriage is an institution and we build structures on it. We build structures on the human heart, we project expectations on to people, and when there are shifts, inevitably it feels like earthquakes and tsunamis have devastated our homes, hearts, and psyches.

I’m not sure I ever had the certainty of marriage lasting forever as a child. My parent’s marriage always seemed tenuous. I put myself in a class for kids of divorced parents two years before my parents announced their intention to separate. Still there were things I hadn’t expected that did rock the semblance of a foundation I had created for myself during those long years my parents took to separate. For example, the near-drowning experience I had while rafting with my parents, finding a dead body in the river when we went rafting a few months later with my dad and my now step-mother, and my "half" brother’s birth while my parents were still married. At twelve, these were the things that were harder to process emotionally. Thank God for soap operas they helped me normalize my family experience.

Still I had hoped that my marriage would last forever, that somehow I would be an exception or perhaps exceptional. We had amazing times together and then there were some really hard times where we just seemed to want different things from life and struggled with our differences and our different ways of approaching life.

A friend of mine once said that the way to have a long-term marriage was “don’t leave and don’t die.” I thought it was good advice. But then I realized that staying in a marriage even when you love the other person, but it’s keeping you from being your highest and best self in the world is a form of self-abuse and self-denial.

I understand that won’t make sense to a lot of people because we have a standard for marriage called “compromise.” I know I have also taught that. “You gotta compromise.” I’m sure I’ve said it more than once. Today, I would say compromise on the little things, like which movie to see this week or where you are going for dinner, but when it comes to your core nature and needs and being able to listen and follow your own guidance of what’s best for you, nope, never compromise. See Emerson’s Essays, especially Self-Reliance.

I know a lot of people tied a lot of stuff up with my marriage. My marriage was public property! It was seen as a test of LGBT people. My marriage was supposed to be a pillar that held the LGBT community together, that showed that LGBT people could have long-term, loving, committed relationships. Some people expected us to be “perfect.” No pressure!

LGBT people can have long-term, loving committed relationships. We did for 15 years! And LGBT people are just like heterosexual people. We change, grow, fall in and out of love, and end relationships too. We need marriage equality and we need the right to divorce. We need to be held to the same human standard. We are not perfect. No human being is. We don’t have to be. We can stop trying to be perfect now and just be ourselves. We are enough.

THE ILLUSION OF SECURITY

In the end for me, it wasn’t my parent’s divorce, the rafting incidents, or the birth of my brother that knocked the proverbial wind out of me. What took away the illusion of permanence and solidity for me was when my dad sold the family home some twenty years later. That is when I experienced a profound sense of loss. The house that he built in 1976, the one we were living in when my parent’s marriage ended. The one we moved out of after he told us that he wouldn’t be replacing us with his new family. It was a nice promise, but it wasn’t realistic to expect a single mom with two kids to handle a 4 bedroom house on 5 acres of land 14 miles from the nearest grocery store in rural Oregon, at least not my mom who grew up in the suburbs of Miami. We had to move, it made sense that we’d go to the city and he’d move his second family in.

I know selling the house was the best thing he could have done for himself and my step-mom. It was time. It just hurt when he came back from a trip from Mexico and put the house on the market and sold it before my brothers and I could come and say “goodbye.” That was when I felt all that childhood pain well up in my heart. A house gives you a sense of security, ask anyone who lost theirs recently in a foreclosure, a flood, Hurricane Katrina, or a divorce. And yet a house is just an illusion of security.

LOSS

My decision to leave my marriage has created great loss in my life: the loss of a companion of 15 years, the loss of my home and land, (I was lucky enough to be a homeowner), the loss of property, the loss of two of the three cats we shared, the loss of my identity as a married person, the loss of my in-laws and Molly’s family, the loss of hopes and dreams, the loss of my status in the marriage equality movement, my health insurance, and sadly the loss of some people who I thought were my friends. And then there are many others losses, little losses which I am still discovering.

I’m sharing all of this with you because I think it’s important for people to understand that when someone makes a radical decision to end their marriage and every thing that this entails, it’s important to recognize that this is a decision that requires incredible courage and authenticity. It’s an important time to extend love and compassion to everyone involved and not take sides.

I’m sad to say that I have personally failed to do this with friends and colleagues, not knowing how to respond, taking some moral high ground, settling for one side of the story at the expense of not having an integrated truth, or just realizing that with every two people there are two different sets of realities and both are true. I want to send out apologies to everyone who has felt my judgment around this. I hope that in the future I can come from a place of compassion and non-duality.

LOVE AND COMPASSION

I feel so grateful for the people who have offered up their hearts to me with unconditional love. I pray that I can learn from them and get that I cannot possibly know other people’s experiences even if I’ve walked in moccasins that seem “similar.” Each one of us on this planet is having our own unique earth walk with our own personal histories that no one else is fully privy to, so it is better to just speak our own truth and let other’s speak theirs without judging them.

This experience is teaching me that I don’t know what’s right for anyone else and judging them is a waste of time. What I can do is offer love and compassion. What I can do is listen. What I can do is pray for the best and highest good for that person and the people in their lives. What I can do is urge myself and others to be true to themselves. What I can do is remind myself and others to move toward happiness because we have come here to be happy, to be sources of love and light in the world. 

ECLIPSE

On an astrological note, there have been two eclipses this month June 1st and June 15th. There is a solar eclipse on July 1st. So, if you have noticed your own life or energies shifting you can blame it on the moon and stars. Planetary and other celestial bodies are highly activated right now. So full circle, “breathe” and get “grounded.”

I cannot believe we are already halfway through April. Sorry to have kept you out of the loop for so long, I’ve been running to keep up with all the wonderful invitations and opportunities life has gifted me since Spring sprung. If you’re curious read on.

Last month I led the Seduce Your Muse: Writer’s Workshop and Retreat in Venice Italy, seven days of writing, creativity and fun! This was my first event of this kind. 7 Days in a glorious destination and it was more amazing than I could have ever imagined.

We stayed in a 5 star location. I rented two beautiful flats in Campo Sant’ Angelo on a small canal. We were only minutes from Saint Marks Square and the Rialto Bridge, close to the Accademia Bridge. It is one of my favorite spots. Poets, Writer’s and those claiming and reclaiming their voices joined me from the UK, Canada, and the U.S. In addition, to the daily creativity and writing exercises I led them in, I also took them on full moon walks, tours of Venice with special attention to secret gardens, quiet campos, and the Jewish Ghetto. We went on gondola rides and late night masked walks. We called in the muses, did art in the campos, and drank cappuccinos. We had wonderful food and drink at the ristorantes, attended a concerto, and one of the guests cooked three “over-the-top” meals with multiple courses!

It was life changing for my muses and myself. We had so much fun as we seduced our muses, wrote beautiful poetry and prose, and lifted and reclaimed our voices. Now this is what I call having a “good job!” I really love my new employment and my clients.  It was a gift! Did I mention that we had 8 days of glorious sunshine while there was a blizzard back in Canada and thunderstorms and hail in the Bay Area?

Anyway, you can bet that I’m going to do that again and I’d love to hear from you who know you’d like to be a part of this in the future.  I think Paris or Provence is next. I’ll keep you posted.

Moses was orphaned at a young age. Both of his parents died of AIDS. The irony is that the same country that donated money to “help” people like Moses’ parents, people with HIV, also imported radical anti-gay evangelism that ultimately forced Moses to flee his own country to save his life.

For the past several years, influenced by American evangelicals who have taken their anti-gay fight overseas, the Ugandan government has been trying to pass a bill that would make homosexuality a crime punishable by death and would give life sentences to anyone who knows about an LGBT person and doesn’t report them to the government. While this horrific law has not passed, LGBT people in Uganda are public enemy #1 and have been violently attacked, some brutally murdered, because of the climate of virulent homophobia.    

Moses has a beautiful smile and an androgynous appearance. He is gentle and extremely intelligent. You could hardly imagine the horrors he has experienced by his calm demeanor. He’s clearly someone who has learned to roll with the punches. For Moses, the punches started when he was just a boy and caught engaging in sexual play with another boy his age at his school. Moses spoke about being repeatedly beaten by his father after this was discovered. He learned to hide, but never deny, the truth of who he was.

When he was “outed” again as a young professor, it became clear that he was going to lose his job. He was pressured into marrying a woman. This of course did not make him a heterosexual, nor stop his true sexual orientation from being expressed, and he was finally forced to leave the country to save his own life. He’s applied for asylum in the United States several times and there have been several errors in his case. To date, he has not been granted asylum.

I met Moses at a forum on LGBT Asylum presented at the Pacific School of Religion in Berkeley and sponsored by Rev. Roland Stringfellow of the Center for Lesbian and Gay Studies.

Neil Grungas, the Executive Director of the Organization for Refuge, Asylum and Migration (ORAM), painted a grim picture of the situation LGBT asylum seekers face. Unlike LGBT asylum seekers, most heterosexual asylum seekers are reunited with other family or community members. They have the support of their culture and religion to fall back on.

LGBT asylum seekers, however, are fleeing from homophobic family, community, and religious organizations. They are isolated beyond measure and completely dependent on the kindness of strangers.  Many LGBT asylum seekers, Grungas says “flee violence by community members or ‘honor killings’ by their own families.”

Grungas says that even upon relocation, LGBT asylum seekers are at-risk for suicide and substance abuse. Many have severe Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from childhood abuse, sexual abuse, and violent acts against them. In the U.S., they are unable to go many churches for support because of the churches’ anti-gay stance and the LGBT community is not set up to provide the kinds of psychological, vocational, and other support these refugees need.

The Organization for Refuge, Asylum and Migration (ORAM) is committed to providing training and support to LGBTI organizations and mainstream organizations to help educate them about the needs of LGBT refugees and to helping LGBTI refugees resettle.

Unlike Ted Haggard or Senator Larry Craig, Senator Ashburn was done with hiding and he was ready to free himself from the lies and the pain of the closet.  What followed was outrage from many in the LGBT community over Senator Ashburn’s anti-gay voting record, including the fact that twice he voted against the marriage equality bill. In fact, the year previous, Senator Ashburn had received the “Pink Brick Award” from the San Francisco LGBT Pride Association. 

In the past I might have felt that same outrage. I remember when Ted Haggard was outed in 2006, I was talking on the phone with Mel White, Founder of Soul Force.  I remember saying “Isn’t that great? What a hypocritical jerk.” I was surprised by Mel’s response. He said something to the effect of “We need to pray for Brother Ted. He’s hurting right now. We should reach out to him, forgive him, not punish him.” Needless to say at that point in my personal and spiritual development those were radical words. Since then, however, I’ve experiences people from the “other side” having changes of heart and mind and knowing that they need love and support as they release their old communities and take bold steps towards what I would call “the real light” —the light of acceptance, self-love, and authenticity.

This is why when Senator Roy Ashburn was arrested for drunk driving in Sacramento after leaving Faces, a gay bar near the California State Capitol, I felt called to reach out to him. I did not know him personally, did not come from his District, had not personally lobbied, so maybe without layers of feeling personally hurt and betrayed, it was easier for me to reach out and see him as I would see any LGBT person who had lived their life in the closet, torn between the pain of lying and hiding and being their true selves.  Like most LGBT people, I have known that pain. I came out as a teenager in a small town in Oregon and experienced rejection, hate speech and bullying. Coming out and being your true self is never easy, but I know that Senator Ashburn would agree with me now that the peace it brings is worth it and that until you are out and living your truth you can never fully love and accept yourself.

This Tuesday night, March 8^th, I have the honor of interviewing Senator Roy Ashburn as part of my “How Come Out of the Closet and Into Your Power!” Tele-seminar Series. We will talk about how to “Break Down That Closet Door with Senator Roy Ashburn!” 

How Come Out of the Closet and Into Your Power! Tele-seminar Series. 
"Break Down That Closet Door with Senator Roy Ashburn!”  

March 8, 2011

6:00 PM PST/8:00 PM CST and 9:00 EST

Come join me this “spring” as I share my strategies for being a love warrior and making a positive difference in the marriage equality movement, travel to Italy to inspire your creativity and get you in the flow of sharing your powerful personal story, memoir, non-fiction, or fiction, and then return back home where Molly and I will share our tips for finding and maintaining your happily-ever-after in a couples workshop at Good Vibrations.

Below is a list of where you can find me February 14th-May 3rd

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Render Our Love Visible!

February 14-- San Francisco, CA

11:00 AM-1:00 PM

San Francisco City Hall or your City Hall or County Recorder’s Office

Event: Join Marriage Equality Advocates around the globe and Render Our Love Visible! Davina and Molly, Marriage Equality USA and Get Equal members will ask for the right for LGBT people to have access to equal marriage at the marriage license counter.

You can too! Show up to your City Hall or County Recorder’s Office

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February 15 --San Francisco, CA

7:30 PM
A Different Light Bookstore

Event: Love Warriors Book Reading and Signing

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February 19-- San Francisco, CA

3:00-5:00 PM

Second Wind

Event: Calling All Love Warriors: How Inclusive Communities of Faith Can Make A Difference in the Marriage Equality Movement Workshop

We will be talking about how to survive being outed with dignity AND how to turn the experience into a breakthrough opportunity to make a positive powerful difference in your community!

Join us for this fun and unique opportunity to listen, share, interact and work personally with Davina and Isaac as they talk and answer your questions about coming out, speaking out about love and equality, making a positive powerful difference in your community, building new relationships, and becoming a passionate and committed leader!   

Date: February 8th
Time: 6:00pm PST (9:00pm EST)

REGISTER NOW

When I looked at weather.com this morning to check the report on Denver it said “high of 4, Low -14.” I barely made it out of Texas Monday before a serious storm stopped all air traffic.  Luckily I’m told that it will thaw out by mid-morning. It’s 6:00 AM now.

Today I’m speaking at the University of Denver and at a PFLAG meeting. In addition to sharing my book, I’ve been asked to talk about my journey from being a bullied queer youth to a marriage equality leader. This journey is still something that amazes my inner teenager.

Love Warriors do all kinds of things for love!

Even as Senator Leno acknowledged the part that Molly and I played over the past decade to bring marriage equality and I’m reminded of a host of things we did and said “yes” to including: endless rallies, asking for marriage licenses almost ten years in a row, sitting in court rooms and in the state assembly, lobbying at the state capitol, rallying at the U.S. Capitol, the marriage equality caravan, the tax day protests, even cross-dressing and wearing a wedding dress to raise money for marriage equality, I still have to pinch myself and remind myself “Yep, I did that.” Love Warriors do all kinds of things for love! I tell you that’s what it was about for me. I fell in-love with Molly and I wanted to marry her.

There were things that were pure fun too. Like dressing up as Uncle Sam on Halloween, Bingo night and karaoke with the Sister’s of Perpetual Indulgence, meeting incredible people all over the country and world who care about love and justice.

Sometimes it’s hard to believe this is my life, that all of those things happened while we worked and lived our lives. It is so much and yet I know we are far from done. In fact, I know that all of those experiences were training to help me hone my public speaking and writing skills.

“The work” is far from over.

It took until 70% of Americans to support lifting the ban for DADT to be repealed and it was 70% for many years. We only have 44% of Americans supporting marriage equality. That means we need to open the hearts and minds of 34% of Americans before we are likely to see a repeal of DOMA. Some of those folks are LGBTQ.

So we need the 44% of us out there who do support marriage equality to help educate and enroll a minimum of 34% of Americans. Shaming them and calling them bigot won’t work. Most people don’t know what’s at stake. They don’t know the harm caused by marriage discrimination.

For others, it’s unlearning homophobia. People need support in addressing their fear of homosexuality and LGBTQ people, overt and submerged fears.

We need the 44% of Americans who support marriage equality to have heart to heart conversations with the other 66%.

No campaign or blockbuster movie, or cool music video or even charismatic leader is going to make the difference. We need the 44% of Americans who support marriage equality, that means you and me, to have heart to heart conversations and educational forums with the other 66%.

We can all get engaged to take the level of education to the next level and to eradicate homophobia. We can all become Love Warriors.

I invite you to get a copy of my book Love Warriors and send them to friends and family members. It makes a great Happy Valentine’s Day-Hey Mom and Dad I Still Can’t Get Married Gift.

Now through Valentine’s Day I’m offering this LOVE WARRIORS MESSENGER SPECIAL

Buy 4 books and get ONE BOOK FREE!!!!

PLUS

-         an MP3  download of my “3 Steps to Come Out of the Closet and Into Your Power!” Tele-seminar

-         LIVE access to my tele-seminar with former Senator Roy Ashburn who will talk about the cost of living in the closet and how his life has changed since being “outed”.

and together we can open hearts and minds!

BUY NOW

Want to know what to say when someone tells you marriage is not a civil right or that it's against their religion?

Want to be able to make a positive difference in the marriage equality movement and bring more love and equality into the world?

Please join me on my 2011 Love Warriors Tour which kicks off January 26th at Oakland Center for Spiritual Living.  I promise to inspire, educate, and motivate you to bring your heart and soul to the next level needed to secure equal rights for LGBT people across our nation.

Check out the book readings, in person workshops, leadership and coming out tele-seminars, and marriage license counter actions. There is really something for everyone. I look forward to seeing you on the road!

With love and equality for all!

Davina

January 26

6:00-8:00 PM

Oakland Center for Spiritual Living

Oakland, CA

Event: Talk -Calling All Love Warriors: How Inclusive Communities of Faith Can Make A Difference in the Marriage Equality Movement Talk

January 27

7:00 -9:00 PM

Book Woman

Austin, TX

Event: Love Warriors Book Reading and Workshop

January 29

2:00 -4:00 PM

Trinity United Methodist Church

Austin, TX

Event: Workshop- Calling All Love Warriors: How Inclusive Communities of Faith Can Make A Difference in the Marriage Equality Movement

Do you want be out, proud and powerful as an LGBT person or a straight ally?

Want to know what to say when someone tells you marriage is not a civil right or that it's against their religion?

Want to be able to make a positive difference in the marriage equality movement and bring more love and equality into the world?

Please join me on my 2011 Love Warriors Tour which kicks off January 26th at Oakland Center for Spiritual Living.  I promise to inspire, educate, and motivate you to bring your heart and soul to the next level needed to secure equal rights for LGBT people across our nation.

Check out the book readings, in person workshops, leadership and coming out tele-seminars, and marriage license counter actions. There is really something for everyone. I look forward to seeing you on the road!

With love and equality for all!

Davina

January 26

6:00-8:00 PM

Oakland Center for Spiritual Living

Oakland, CA

Event: Talk -Calling All Love Warriors: How Inclusive Communities of Faith Can Make A Difference in the Marriage Equality Movement Talk

January 27

7:00 -9:00 PM

Book Woman

Austin, TX

Event: Love Warriors Book Reading and Workshop

January 29

2:00 -4:00 PM

Trinity United Methodist Church

Austin, TX

Event: Workshop- Calling All Love Warriors: How Inclusive Communities of Faith Can Make A Difference in the Marriage Equality Movement

F*R*E*E* BEING OUT & POWERFUL SEMINAR WITH SENATOR MARK LENO

Do you wanna know how to be out, LGBTQ and be a POWERFUL PUBLIC FIGURE?

Join California’s first OUT GAY SENATOR-- MARK LENO as he shares his secrets for BEING OUT AND POWERFUL in a FREE tele-seminar with Psychologist and International Life Coach Dr. DAVINA KOTULSKI.

Date: February 1, 2011

Time: 6:00 PM PST, 8:00 PM CST, and 9:00 PM EST

Location: Your Phone!

Is having children yell “fuck you” to people who are against gay marriage on recorded video exploitative of children?

Is it helpful to our cause?

Should LGBT youth organizations accept money from organizations or individuals who publicly promote under age youth using profanity and hatred?

Is FCKH8 a hate group?

Is it hypocritical for a group to be against hate and use hateful speech and body language?

What value does FCKH8 really bring to the cause of LGBT equality?

Do non-profits really need their money?

Is this really a “good idea for a good cause” as “charity crusader” Luke Montgomery says?

These are all the questions that ran through my head when I received an e-mail about FCKH8 and watched the video.

http://fckh8.com/Bullies/

The National Organization of Marriage, which was recently deemed a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center, is now using this video to raise money for its cause, taking away our rights. And FCKH8 is raising money through T-shirt sales and giving it to The Trevor Project and Courage Campaign to name just a few organizations. I spoke with the media spokesperson for Trevor Project and asked about their affiliation with FCKH8. She said that they are not affiliated with FCKH8, but are accepting their donations.

What kinds of donations do you not accept? I asked. She said “They don’t accept donations that exploit children.” So my question again is “having children yell ‘fuck you’ to people who are against gay marriage on recorded video exploitative of children?”

Should Trevor Project come out with a public statement about FCKH8?

Do we change hearts and minds by flipping people off and saying “fuck you?”

Dan Savage’s It Gets Better and the Make it Better project which was inspired from it went viral and made a positive difference. FCKH8 seems to have gone viral too as there are a bunch of kids posting to youtube their own FCKU videos.

My thoughts-I think these videos are stupid. I think having children in them saying “fuck you” is irresponsible parenting and marketing. I think that this approach is not useful to our cause. It’s like the gay version of Fred Phelps on video. I think in the worst case it’s detrimental to our causes, but hey anyone can make a video and post it these days. I am a donor to the Trevor Project and I think the Trevor Project accepting donations from an organization that raises money with videos advertising a product with kids swearing is poor judgment. Where does the buck stop?

A one-of-a-kind breakthrough workshop for LGBTQ people and Allies on How to be Out, Proud, and Powerful that will change your life!

At “FEARLESS QUEERNESS” You’ll Learn:

• How to fearlessly EMBRACE WHO YOU ARE!
• How to BE AUTHENTIC AND FEARLESS about who you are.
• The MOST IMPORTANT secret to being comfortable with yourself.
• How to ERADICATE internalized homophobia, biphobia, and transphobia.
• How to ELIMINATE NEGATIVE BELIEFS about being lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender.
• How to identify the pain of the past and use it to STEP INTO YOUR POWER!
• How to FEEL GREAT ABOUT BEING LGBTQ all the time.
• WHAT TO SAY when someone says something disrespectful.

Date(s): August 7, 2010

Time(s): 9:00 AM-5:30 PM

The annual April 15th Tax Day Protest is the next best thing to the marriage license counter demonstrations on Freedom to Marry Day. This will be our 10th annual in Oakland, California.

Grab a picket sign and head down to your city’s main post office. Camera crews will be nearby filming folks dropping offer their tax returns at the last minute and it’s a great time to remind the world that we pay first-class taxes and get second-class citizenship.

Examples:

a) We pay into social security benefits that our families cannot enjoy.

b) Those who are entitled to domestic partnership or marriage health benefits at the state level, are paying extra taxes on them at the federal level, unlike heterosexual marrieds.

c) 179 of the 1,138 federal rights that come with marriage are tax-related benefits that same-sex couples are denied. It’s time to level the playing field.

We must have equal pay for equal work and equal access for equal taxes.

To learn more go to: http://www.marriageequality.org/index.php?page=no-taxation-w-o

I’m really sick of comedians who say they support gay people, yet continue making many gay jokes. I’m sorry Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart, and Tina Fey, I really admire your intelligence, your wit, and your advocacy, but what you giveth with one hand, you taketh away with a stupid gay joke.

Thank God, we’ve advanced past the mainstream comedians of the past like Mel Brooks and Eddie Murphy who openly used the word “faggot,” (see History of the World Part I) but continuing to say “that’s gay” and equating the word gay with something bad or stupid is not helping the cause. These insidious jokes hurt us, even if it’s just a little SNL skit.

Perhaps it would have been better to do a joke about how the Catholic church is blaming child molestation on gay priests in the hopes that no one will get upset with the fact that straight priests are molesting little girls. How about a skit about how the Catholic Church goes out of its way to create the belief that pedophilia and homosexuality are the same thing.

I urge comedians, especially my hero comedians; Fey, Colbert, and Stewart, to think twice before they go for the easy gay-joke-laugh.

Coming out is a radical act, and yet it is simply speaking the truth of who you are and who you love. Coming out is also about loving yourself enough to see that being an LGBTIQ person is a beautiful contribution to the diversity of our human tapestry. You are worthy and must stop the hiding and lying that keeps us locked up in a nasty shame spiral.

Ricky said he did it for his kids, Anna did it to support LGBT rights, Chas did it because it was time to be the man he always wanted to be, Ashburn did it because he got caught drinking and driving after coming out of a gay bar, which makes it sound like being gay is still a crime. Even though his timing was less than stellar and he had a history of voting against LGBT rights, the point is that he finally had the courage to be honest, while other politicians who have been "caught" continue to live lives of deception and lies.

My hero, Harvey Milk, encouraged everyone to come out. He knew that one person's coming out made a difference for another person, even if that other person was on the other side of the country. I never thought my coming out would make much of a difference. Boy was I schooled.

When my wife, Molly McKay and I started coming out for marriage rights in 2001 and asking for marriage licenses at the San Francisco County Recorder's Office I had no idea that it would later turn into Gavin Newsom's allowing same-sex couples to marry. Nor could I have imagined that when Molly and I engaged in a public celebratory kiss following the repeal of the nation's sodomy laws in June 2003 that it would end up in Newsweek Magazine(next to a guy holding a sign that said something about burning in hell). What more, I never imagined that I would then get a call from my friend, Ed, a Native American Psychologist, who worked in New Mexico at the time, telling me he saw the photo when a client of his, a young Native American woman, brought it to him and through tears of joy said that she hoped she could marry her girlfriend one day and that seeing us gave her the courage to come out to her parents.

I had heard Harvey's words, but it wasn't until 2003 and 2004 that I really understood them to be the truth with a capital T. Our coming out is good for the world! And that's why I'm offering a FREE workshop on coming out called "How to Come Out of the Closet and Into Your Power!"

April 10, 2010 from 1-3 PM at the Rainbow Center in Concord, California.

At "How to Come Out of the Closet and Into Your Power!" You’ll Learn:

● The Most Important Secret to Coming Out!

● How to Talk to People with CONFIDENCE About Who You Are So They’ll Want to Accept You!

● How to Feel Great About Yourself for Who You Are Regardless of Other People’s Responses

● How to BREAKTHROUGH the Closet Door!

● What to Say When Someone Tells You--“It’s Just a Phase” or “You Can Change.”

Register now for details: Send an e-mail to info@lovewarriors.org with "FREE WORKSHOP" in the subject line.

www.davinakotulski.com/workshops

I look forward to seeing you there!

If you think you would be intersted in a 2 hour FREE tele-seminar on Coming Out, please e-mail info@lovewarriors.org and write "COMING OUT TELE-SEMINAR" in the subject line.

First, I have to check single on my tax form. People, I’ve been with the same wonderful woman for 14 years, I am not single! Second, even though we are now legally married, my tax person has to complete extra tax forms, we are married and can file jointly the state, but we have to file single for the feds and so Tax Lady Nancy has two run our numbers twice. Thirdly, because I am self-employed and receive health insurance through Molly, my health benefits are taxed as extra income by the IRS.

Makes you want to scream MARRIAGE EQUALITY NOW, doesn’t it?

But recently, Molly was at a panel where Patricia Cain, an Inez Mabie Distinguished Professor of Law of Santa Clara University’s School of Law announced a way around complaint #3. Here’s what she says:

Do you pay federal income taxes on employer-provided domestic partner health benefits? If so, you might want to discuss with a tax professional whether or not you are entitled to receive those benefits tax-free.

There is a common misunderstanding that domestic partner benefits are always taxable. But that is not true if the domestic partner is a “dependent” of the taxpayer/employee. A partner can qualify as a dependent for these purposes even if the partner is not a tax dependent for deduction purposes. That is because there are two different definitions of dependent in the Internal Revenue Code. To be a dependent for deduction purposes the partner must have income below $3650. But to qualify as a dependent for purposes of excluding the value of the health benefits, there is no gross income limitation.

To qualify under this alterative definition, the taxpayer and partner must share the same household for the entire year and the taxpayer must provide over 50% of the partner’s support. The IRS clarified this rule in Notice 2004-79, available on line at http://www.irs.gov/irb/2004-49_IRB/ar10.html.

But for some reason, many employers seem to be unaware of the rule. Instead, whenever an employee asks whether the employer can exclude the value of the benefits on the W-2, many employers require proof that the employee is claiming a dependency deduction for the partner. If you qualify for the exclusion because you and your partner share a household and you provide over 50% of the support, you should ask your employer for an amended W-2. If the employer asks for proof of a dependency deduction or evidence that your partner’s gross income is below $3650, show your employer Notice 2004-79. If you can’t get an amended W-2, you should nonetheless exclude the amount that was wrongly included on your W-2 and explain in an addendum to your tax return why you are excluding it.

Professor Cain noted that several employers were reluctant to take our tax requests seriously and has committed herself to getting the word out about this option.

As mentioned above, please consult your gay-friendly tax person, so they can become informed about this option and share it with their clients.

And remember, this is yet another reason why we need to lift DOMA and have access to marriage equality, unless you enjoy paying the government more to be treated as a second-class citizen.

With liberty and justice for all!

Dr. Davina Kotulski

Psychologist, Personal Coach and Consultant

Author of Why You Should Give A Damn About Gay Marriage and Love Warriors: The Rise of the Marriage Equality Movement and Why it Will Prevail.

http://www.davinakotulski.com

http://www.whygaymarriage.com

On 12, 2001 I went down to the San Francisco City Hall and asked for a marriage license with my then bride, Molly McKay. Not surprisingly, we were turned away. We continued to go ever year to San Francisco City Hall and to Country Clerk’s around Northern California asking for a marriage license. We wanted to render visible the discrimination that is enforced every day because same-sex couples are denied the right to marry.

Three years later we received our first marriage license from the City of San Francisco when Mayor Gavin Newsom decided it was wrong to deny loving same-sex couples the right to marry. We completed our rally on the City Hall steps then went inside and were happy couple number 17 to be legally married. And we were legally married for 6 months until the California State Supreme Court annulled our marriage with the 4,000 other couples who were married in what is now known as the Winter of Love.

You can revisit history by checking out the following documentaries Freedom to Marry the Journey to Justice and Pursuit of Equality. Both are available on MEUSA’s Amazon Store