Just Keep Swimming!

In September 2000, I attended Tony Robbins’ Life Mastery Workshop in Hawaii. I climbed the 40 foot tall pole, gathered up my courage and my legs and stood straight up on the top of the pole. I had a moment to enjoy a bird’s eye view of the ocean before diving head first toward the swinging trapeze bar which hung six feet in front of me. It was exhilarating to say the least.

I also really wanted swim the half mile across the lagoon with Tony, but I was late and everyone was gone when I arrived. I looked at the murky water, jumped in, and began swimming across the lagoon. Gung ho!

About halfway across, I freaked out. The water was dark, my arms were getting tired and I was alone in the lagoon. The original adrenaline rush I’d had when I plunged in was gone and the shore seemed a long, long way off. I’d never swum this length before and was unprepared for the onslaught of panic that filled me. I began thinking about how people drown, not because they can’t swim, but because they freak out. Here I was in deep waters, freaking out. I had to get control of my mind and start focusing on getting my limbs moving forward. I just kept telling myself “just focus on what’s in front of you.” Little by little, I got myself across the lagoon and on to dry land. What a relief!

Not one to let an experience go by, I began to examine what had happened.

When we begin something new, like Frodo and the others preparing for their journey in Lord of the Ringscourage3, we are excited and optimistic. We may be nervous too, but there’s a sort of bravado and naiveté about what we will meet on the path. In the beginning we are fueled by adrenaline and by the novelty of our new adventure. But once we’ve said goodbye and left the Shire or dry land, and have begun our proverbial journey, we begin to meet with obstacles and adversaries that attempt to thwart, even destroy us, our creative projects/business endeavors/missions.

Sometimes those adversaries are external and come in the form of naysayers, family or friends who deem us foolish, or rejections from agents, publishers, art critics, lending institutions, etc. Sometimes they come in the form of sirens, those people who distract us from our purpose, and sometimes those adversaries are our own inner demons that come out and scare the hell out of us.

Yes, our own inner demons that tell us we’re not going to make it, that we are failures, or that we should just give up. Those internal critics challenge our audacity to think that we could ever be successful musicians, artists, actors, writers, entrepreneurs, healers, parents, etc. Often times these demons come out when we have left the comforts of shore or the shire, when we have made major decisions, and have gone too far to turn back. These inner or outer voices of doom and gloom can absolutely paralyze us, cut us off at our knees, and keep us from moving forward.

This is the time where we’ve got to turn to faith, to trust the process even more, and especially in the absence of proof or evidence. We must muster a deeper inner knowing that we are totally guided and totally supported by this friendly Universe that doesn’t want us to sink. The Universe wants us to continue reaching for our dreams, to continue to move forward. We must trust that we will reach the shore, that we will realize our dreams as long as we keep dreaming them and keep moving towards them.

This is not an easy process! There’s a saying in Alcoholics Anonymous, “Don’t give up five minutes before the miracle.” There’s another saying, “It’s always darkest, before the dawn.”

Don’t lost faith. Don’t give up on your journey of the courageous heart. Trust in the perfect unfolding of your life, knowing that when you choose to follow your heart, to listen to your inner calling, you will step into the divine flow, get your miracle, and the sun will rise and shine on your life again.

 

The Language of Love and Spiritual Partnership

DavinaKotulski2015-0388_WebRelationships, sometimes we live with them, sometimes we live without them.

We don’t just want a relationship; we want a happy one, a healthy one. We want to feel loved, understood, and cared for and we want our partner to feel loved, understood and cared for. Unfortunately our intention to be good at something doesn’t translate to skill, if it did, a lot of us would be rock stars and rappers, triple lutzers and amazing dancers, and I would personally speak Italian, Spanish, and about three other languages fluently. If we want our intentions to translate to real skill, to effective communication, then we must actually study what improves communication in relationships and then do our homework.

I know I’m starting to get tangential here, so I’m going to bring it back to my point. Couples and individuals come to me all the time for counseling or coaching because their relationships are falling apart and neither partner feels loved or appreciated.  Some of these relationships may truly be dead on the vine for various reasons and remaining in the relationship may not serve the highest good of one or both of the partners, which I will discuss more below. However, some relationships can come back to life with a major love infusion and some ground rules for communication.

CONSCIOUS COMMUNICATION

When couples work with me I ask them to get at least one copy of the book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by psychologist John Gottman. I love this book because it outlines right away the communication styles that couples can choose to engage in that will show respect for their spouse/partner and those communication styles that must be changed or the relationship is doomed to fail.

Years ago I wrote about the 4 Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse that Gottman discusses in his book when my own marriage was on the rocks. While that marriage ultimately did not last, my former spouse and me found the book extremely useful and we were able to significantly improve our communication with one another, which gave us several more years to grow together. For other individuals, improved respect and communication may be just what they need to facilitate a conscious uncoupling, which is it’s own form of success in the case of divorce or dissolution.

THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES

Recently I picked up a copy of The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Chapman identifies 5 ways people feel loved and communicate love. Each one of us has a primary love language or way we feel most loved by our sweethearts or spouses. When our partners speak our primary love language to us and we speak theirs to them everyone wins! In his words, our love tanks are filled.

The Five Love Languages are:5-love-languages

1. Quality Time

2. Acts of Service

3. Physical Touch

4. Gift Giving

5. Words of Affirmation

Chapman’s book gives several case examples of how common it is for a spouse to communicate their love in one language, but not in the language that the other spouse feels the most loved, which often leaves both partners feeling unappreciated. Of course we don’t just want our lovers to speak one dialect. It’s most romantic when our lovers speak several or all of the love languages to us at some time. Likewise if we want to be fluent in the language of love the more dialects we speak to our lovers the more appreciated they will feel. Chapman includes a quiz in the book to help you identify what your primary love language is and explains how to speak all five.

I’m now recommending this book to all of my clients in relationships, even the same-sex couples I work with, though unfortunately the book never mentions same-sex couples and much to my annoyance uses the clinical term “sexual intercourse” instead of just saying “sex” or “love-making” revealing the author’s conservative background and quite possibly a propensity to be limited to the missionary position. Okay, enough about that.

SPIRITUAL PARTNERSHIP

To be clear, not all relationships will last until death do us part, nor should they.  Some relationships will spring back to life or get out of the marital rapids with improved communication skills and filled love tanks. Yeah for those couples that are willing to do the work, have a new skill set and do ride off into the sunset and live happily-ever-after. Other individuals may have fulfilled their spiritual contracts with one another and find that it’s time to make a new covenant so to speak. This is especially true for conscious people on the spiritual path whose commitment to their spiritual growth and their relationship with God takes precedence over all other commitments. Yes, there are quite a few of us odd ducks out there.

Gary Zukav’s book Spiritual PartnershipThe Seat of the Soul and his book Spiritual Partnership both discuss the importance of being true to one’s spiritual path and explores the notion that some marriages are also spiritual partnerships, while others are not. Some marriages may begin that way but relationship dynamics can change. Additionally, as individuals wake up spiritually they may realize that the marriage is not in alignment with their spiritual growth and unfoldment. For individuals who are on the spiritual path it is better to dissolve a marriage/relationship that stymies one or both partner’s spiritual growth and development, rather than remain in that marriage/relationship if the partners cannot shift the dynamics.

This is not an easy thing to hear and some people might disagree and argue that people should stay married no matter what. Certainly if that’s in alignment with one’s spiritual belief system and their spouse’s beliefs than I would encourage that couple to get lots of support to find a way to make it work. However, if we’re talking about someone putting their belief system on another person’s relationship I would kindly say, “mind your own business.” We can never know what another person’s destiny is, their spiritual path and contracts, or what Spirit has in mind for them. I would invite that judgmental busybody to keep her/his limited human mind and opinions to themselves.

TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE

For those individuals who find themselves at odds with their own value system with regard to their marriage and spiritual path, or really afraid of being judged by being true to themselves by releasing a marriage or relationship that no longer supports their health, well-being, and spiritual growth, I would quote Shakespeare to them “To Thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.”

I would also advise them to surround themselves with supportive friends and get professional support like a life coach, therapist or spiritual counselor, someone who can help empower them in consciously moving forward in a way that is loving to themselves and to the partner they are uncoupling with.  There are many great resources out there for couples or individuals who want to mindfully/consciously uncouple.

For those of you who are not in a relationship right now but want one or want to find ways to feel loved now or attract more love into your life, Chapman has a book called The 5 Love Languages for Singles and you can also pick up Arielle Ford’s book The Soul Mate Secret about how to clean up the past to make room for your beloved.

If you feel like a relationship is the last thing in the world you want or if you want to be a better lover of yourself (Yeah Baby!)–Check out the transformational book Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It by Kamal Ravikant. It’s really a great little book about self-love and self-acceptance. It’s really true, you’ve gotta love yourself first.

And speaking of love, have I told you lately how much I love and appreciate you for all the ways you show your love and support to me. When I have my down days, I feel into you my powerful network of friends, clients, students, readers, collaborators, and colleagues who I get to share this journey with. Thank you!!!!

Wishing you all a love-filled, joy-filled 2016!

XOXOX

Davina